


Fear and Self-Loathing in Amphipolis

by Alexandria (heartfullofelves)



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Amazons - Freeform, Angst, F/F, Post-A Friend In Need, Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-18 23:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9407630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfullofelves/pseuds/Alexandria
Summary: At her mother's funeral, Eve bumps into the last person in the world she wants to see.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Vegas. With fewer drugs and cars, but just as much gambling.

Eve had crossed the East and begun her journey back to Greece when she got the news. She had mostly been travelling on foot – a pilgrim and a missionary at the same time – but now she spent the few coins she had on a horse to speed her journey, hoping she would reach Amphipolis in time.

She did.

She rode into her mother’s home village, not slowing until she got to her grandmother’s tavern. There she stopped and dismounted, shivering when she remembered the horrors of the last time she was here. She prayed to Eli that she would never experience anything like that again, all the while scratching her skin, which itched as if it were covered in insects. She had to glance down at her hands and check her skin was clear.

She squinted up at the sky to see the position of the sun. Leading her horse, she walked through the village, looking for a large gathering of people: find them and she’d find the funeral.

It didn’t take her long.

She tied her horse’s reins to someone’s fence and joined the gathering. Gabrielle stood at the front, clutching a metallic urn to her chest and opening her mouth to speak. Her sunken eyes were lined with red, and Eve swallowed at the sight of her mother’s partner all alone, appearing ready to break down.

Gabrielle’s voice started out wobbly as tears threatened to spill, but as she sang Xena’s praises and described some of their travels together, she and her voice grew more confident. She ended on a high note, with people – Eve recognised some as warlords, Amazons, and villagers – laughing, and Eve knew then that Gabrielle wasn’t called a bard for nothing.

The next speaker was Queen Cyane, who was followed by an older lady called Minya and then by Lila, Gabrielle’s sister. A man Eve didn’t recognise but who looked well-off – probably a noble, possibly a thief – spoke next. While he talked about everything Xena had done for him, Eve’s senses hummed. She glanced behind her. She wasn’t surprised to see Ares and Aphrodite standing there, faces impassive as they watched the spectacle. She gritted her teeth at their lack of emotion, wishing they could at least try to act like humans and show some compassion.

A new voice grabbed her attention. She turned to the front and her heart skipped a beat. She heard a noise behind her and whipped around in time to see a guilty-looking Ares vanish into thin air. His sister threw a dirty look at the space he’d occupied and crossed her arms.

Shaking her head, Eve returned her attention to the new speaker, all the while trying to ignore the urge to run – away from this funeral, away from all these people her mother knew but she didn’t, away from _Varia_. But she didn’t run, despite her instincts.

Varia finished with an apology to Xena, and then Gabrielle concluded the ceremony. The crowd dispersed.

Eve spotted Gabrielle heading back into town with the urn, and followed her to Xena’s family crypt. It involved walking through Cyrene’s tavern, which made Eve flinch as she dodged cobwebs and worse. She didn’t feel guilty for spying – Xena was her mother, after all – as Gabrielle put Xena to rest with her mother and brother. _My grandmother and uncle_ , Eve supposed.

Gabrielle spoke to the urn as she dusted a space for it, telling Xena how much she missed her. “I still can’t accept that you left me on my own,” she whispered.

Eve’s heart panged, and she stepped forwards. “You’re not alone,” she said in a soft voice so as not to startle Gabrielle.

Gabrielle turned around and met Eve’s eyes. “That’s what I said to her when,” she choked, “when…” She burst into sobs, covering her mouth.

Tears sprang to Eve’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Gabrielle cried. “Can you give me a minute to say goodbye?”

Eve nodded, squeezing Gabrielle’s hand before leaving the crypt. She ran through the tavern to reach the outside. At the door, she froze. The woman approaching the old tavern also stood still, then coughed.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” said Varia, avoiding Eve’s eyes.

Eve swallowed. “Thank you.”

“I, uh, just wanted to pay my respects to Gabrielle before I left.” Varia stared at Eve’s feet.

“She wants to be left alone for a while. I’m giving her time to say goodbye.” Eve spoke to Varia’s chest, not able to meet her gaze either.

“Good idea,” mumbled Varia. “I won’t disturb her.”

“Yeah.”

The following silence made Eve almost shuffle her feet and twiddle her thumbs, but she kept still out of dignity.

“Um,” Varia broke the silence, to Eve’s utmost relief. “How are you?”

Eve’s eyes bulged. “In general, or about Xena?”

Varia met Eve’s gaze at last. “Both.”

“Before I heard that she was… gone, I was doing great.” Eve gave a grim smile. “And then everything turned upside down.”

Varia nodded. “The death of a loved one hurts more than anything.”

Eve’s jaw dropped at the reference to Varia’s sister, and she closed her mouth, opened it as if to speak, then closed it again. Before another awkward silence could stretch between them, however, she said, “I am truly sorry for what I did.”

“I’m sorry too.” Varia’s apology was mumbled.

Eve frowned. “What for?”

Now Varia frowned. “You don’t know? I tried to kill Gabrielle, in exchange for my sisters’ lives.”

Eve’s eyebrows raised. “No, I didn’t know. I expect you have a complicated relationship with Gabrielle now.”

Varia puffed out some air in amusement. “You could say that.”

“How much do you want to speak to her right now?” asked Eve, trying not to grin. Did Varia ever _not_ have complicated relations with people?

“On a scale of one to five? Zero. I just want to be polite.”

“Hmm.”

Varia raised one eyebrow.

“Don’t go in there,” suggested Eve, laying a hand on Varia’s shoulder. “When do you leave?”

“Before nightfall.”

“Why don’t you see her just before you go?”

“So I can escape if things turn sour?”

Eve didn’t reply in words, only a grimace and a nod.

“Excellent plan.” Varia grinned, patting Eve’s shoulder.

Eve’s heart quickened, which she put down to fatigue. There was no other plausible reason for either her heartrate or her disappointment when Varia walked away.

* * *

Eve continued to hang around outside Cyrene’s tavern. Her conversation with Varia must have filled in time, for she didn’t have to wait long before Gabrielle appeared, red around the eyes and nose and with dark bags under her eyes, but otherwise more or less collected.

“Gabrielle!” Eve greeted her mother’s partner with an embrace.

“Eve,” Gabrielle breathed the name, holding her tight. “Thank you for coming all this way.”

“How could I not?” replied Eve, ending the hug but holding onto Gabrielle’s hands.

“This must be hard for you.”

“It is,” she admitted. “Very hard. But I doubt it’s any easier for you.”

Gabrielle nodded, and Eve saw her swallow. “I wasn’t there for my mother’s funeral, nor was Xena there for hers. I’m glad you came.”

“So am I.” Eve squeezed Gabrielle’s hands.

“We should go and eat,” said Gabrielle. “It’s been a long day. There’s a new tavern – well, it’s almost 20 years old, but you know…”

“I know. Let’s go.”

So to the new tavern they went.

* * *

Eve and Gabrielle ordered their meals and drinks and looked around the room for somewhere to sit. The place was well-lit and had good atmosphere for a village tavern, with people talking and laughing without being too loud. Gabrielle led the way, and when she stopped without warning, Eve bumped into her. She stepped aside to see why Gabrielle had stopped.

“Varia,” said Gabrielle in a cool tone Eve could not remember hearing before. “Thank you for attending and speaking at the funeral.”

Varia had a strange expression on her face, with wide eyes and tense muscles. Eve recognised it as fear, an emotion she had never seen Varia show. The Amazon put her cup on the table. “Of course. It was an honour to speak for Xena.”

A second’s silence. Then, “I’m sorry for your loss, Gabrielle. I know how much she meant to you.”

Gabrielle nodded once. “Thank you, Varia.” She turned and went to the opposite side of the tavern, leaving Eve standing in front of Varia’s table.

She sat down. “That could’ve been worse,” she said, making Varia groan.

“How?”

“Well, she is an Amazon queen, and she’s fought at Xena’s side for years…”

Varia smirked. “In case you don’t remember, last time she fought me, she lost. And in case you don’t remember _this_ , I’m _also_ an Amazon queen, even though I’m out of favour at the moment. I could kick her ass.”

“Physically, okay, I’ll give you that. But what about emotionally? After my mother, Gabrielle’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”

Varia groaned again. “You win.”

“ _Gabrielle_ wins,” Eve corrected with a grin.

“Gabrielle wins,” sighed Varia. “But that reminds me: I overheard her telling Cyane that she doesn’t want to be an Amazon anymore.”

“You’re not serious.” Eve knew how important the Amazons and being an Amazon queen were to Gabrielle – she wouldn’t just leave at the drop of a headdress.

“I am!” Varia whispered.

“Why in the name of heaven would she do that?” Eve folded her arms.

“She’s tired, she’s sad, she’s getting old, it’s too much stress.” Varia listed some possible reasons, none of which Eve accepted. “Take your pick. After the massacre at Helicon, who can blame her?”

“But in times of hardship, people need strong leaders,” protested Eve.

“Are you suggesting that Cyane and I aren’t good enough?” Varia glared.

“No, but…”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s right over there.” Varia jerked her head in Gabrielle’s direction.

“I will.” Eve stood. “Since I’m not wanted here…”

Varia scoffed. “That makes two of us,” she muttered under her breath, but Eve heard anyway.

Eve turned her back and joined Gabrielle, sitting so that she could see Varia out of the corner of her eye, the side of the table where one’s back was to Varia already occupied by Gabrielle. Eve reached for the cup and the plate of bread and cheese that awaited her. She peeked at Gabrielle, who ate her meal with neither expression nor enthusiasm, looked down at her food, then back up at her mother’s partner.

“You and Varia looked pretty cosy over there,” remarked Gabrielle, breaking the silence. “I’m glad you’ve patched things up.”

Eve’s cheeks warmed. “We were talking about you, actually.”

Gabrielle pushed her half-eaten food to the side and stared at Eve.

“Varia said she overheard you saying you want to resign from being an Amazon.”

Gabrielle looked off to the side before meeting Eve’s gaze again. “It was something I considered, but I decided not to. I can’t throw away something so important to me as the Amazons.” After a moment, she added, “And if I left, I would have to pass on my right of caste. And my chosen heir can’t be an Amazon – it would break her. I would have to choose someone else to give it to instead.”

Eve frowned, not understanding. “Who was your chosen heir?” she asked, but the underlying question was _why would it break her?_

Gabrielle took her time swallowing a large mouthful of her drink. Even after that, she hesitated further before looking Eve in the eye and saying, “You.”

Eve’s heart stopped in her chest, and she froze as all the pieces fell into place. “Me?” she asked, barely able to hear her own voice.

“I gave you my right of caste when you were a baby,” explained Gabrielle. “I thought who better to give it to than Xena’s daughter? I thought you would make a great Amazon queen someday.”

But Eve wasn’t listening. The room spun as she got to her feet and staggered out the door, searching for her horse. She ignored the call of her name, running and stumbling until she reached the fence she’d tied her horse to.

“Eve!”

She turned around at a touch on her shoulder, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Varia’s eyes were filled with concern, another expression Eve had never seen on her. “What happened?”

Eve shook her head and untied the horse’s reins. “I have to go. I can’t… I can’t look an Amazon in the eye again. I’m so sorry, Varia.”

Varia tightened her grasp on Eve’s shoulder. “What did Gabrielle say to you to make you so upset?”

Eve inhaled a shaky breath. “You hate yourself for almost killing a fellow Amazon, correct?”

Varia’s eyes widened. “Yeah, so?”

“So imagine if you’d succeeded. But instead of killing one other Amazon, you’d killed a whole village of your sisters. Like I did.”

“That would be unforgivable,” said Varia. “But you’re not an Amazon.”

Eve shook her head. “Gabrielle just told me,” she almost sobbed, “that when I was a baby she gave me her right of caste.”

Varia looked like a housewife who’d been slapped in the face. Perhaps with a fish. “No,” she whispered, dropping her hand. “You can’t be an Amazon; not now, not then, not ever.”

Eve wiped at her cheeks. “She said that one of the reasons she has to remain an Amazon is because the heir she chose couldn’t do it; it would break her. She’s right.”

“I understand.”

“That’s why I have to go, see?”

Varia nodded, and took a step back.

“Will you tell Gabrielle I love her and I hope she chooses a suitable new heir?” Eve put her left foot in the stirrup.

“I’m sure she knows.”

“Probably.” Eve pulled herself up into the saddle. She glanced down. “Goodbye, Varia.”

“Wait,” Varia commanded.

Eve waited.

“I could come with you.”

Eve stared. “How can you even look at me, let alone offer to come with me?”

“How can _you_ look at _me_?” Varia countered. “We’ve both done bad things. But you’ve changed, and I want to, too. I want to become a better person.”

“And you think you can do that by being around me?”

“I want to try,” said Varia. “And besides, what better to have in common than self-loathing?”

Eve almost laughed. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m certain.” Varia’s voice, stance, and gaze were all sure, and Eve nodded.

“Okay.”

“Where are you heading?”

“Egypt?” Eve mused.

Varia raised her eyebrows. “The Romans are this close to conquering it.”

“Not Egypt then.”

“What about the Aegean Islands? I’ve always wanted to see the Callisteia festival on Lesbos. Do you get seasick?”

“No,” replied Eve, reaching out her hand.

Varia took it and Eve helped her into the saddle behind her. She kicked the horse’s sides with her sandals and they were off, riding towards their future, as Eve thought Gabrielle might write in one of her scrolls.

Neither of them looked back.


End file.
